I can’t tell you how much I hate my life. Hate hate hate. I fucking hate it. HATE IT!!!! HATE HATE HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There’s now another link in the chain. A huge link and a weight. Sometimes I think I ask God for something and he says ‘Go fuck yourself’ and gives me the exact opposite. Is that possible? Would there be a God that does that? I saw a ‘trust God’ sign on my way to work today. I had a moment of peace but it was so fleeting. Was it a sign from him?
Trust him? But didn’t he put me here? Where is the line between the place that I put me and the place he puts me. Maybe the things that are out of my control. His doing… like where I am in this lousy ‘career’ of mine.
I wish I was rich. So freakin’ rich that nothing else mattered. I would take off, live on a beach and recover. How long would that take? Years I think. I wish everyone would go away. This place isn’t even a sanctuary any more. I know too much now.