I am writing to the cosmos, the great void where nothing is and everything begins. I have worried much lately of every little ailment that has afflicted me. I have (tried) to put down sugar at every turn in fear that the sweet disease will follow me way to soon. It is odd to watch after being so cautious for many months and realize that there is still so far to go. I must conquer that. Minor pains, brought on by acts of labor I am sure, spread within me as I lay my head to go to sleep. Is there disease in the very marrow of my bones? Will I find out in one ill fated day that mine are numbered. I immediately turn my mind to the three chidden that have so much left to learn and live, how can I miss this all. Who will they know if I don’t tell them my part of the story. Left in the hands of those who are close to me only part of the story would ever be known, and how would these very people tell  the tales if I am not there? You may be the only one who could cover the entire myth with a shroud of connection. And yet you too have complained about the secrets that I keep. I am waiting to start my life, I am waiting for the floors to dry, I am waiting to do the work that must be done before I can do the work that needs to be done. I am constantly waiting. I am constantly putting something before me that does not belong.  The past few months have been more than I can handle. I want to break down but I have no time. I want to cry but I have no emotion left for my life. I start to every once and a while and it shuts off quickly. No one is there to witness. My side is hurting again. Is it nerves or did the doctors miss some receded ails that will do me in. My early 50s never looked so soon as they do now. Thirteen years have blown by and nothing has changed on so many levels. I wake up each day and realize that the first 20 years are starting to fade and the second 20 years are coming into focus. I fear what I will see. I have long pushed those moments to the far corners. Maybe that is the mid-life crisis. Not so much what has or has not happened, but clearing away all that is important for the sake of pushing forward. I do not want to hold onto anything that is unimportant. I am waiting to get rid of all that does not fit. I am waiting for it all to change and the truth is that it need will