How did two decades go by? I have the longing to write but not the words. They feel flat and emotionless. Much like I do. Stuck in a tunnel waiting for my destination to arrive I ponder the wasted hour spent in misery. Asleep and dejected by the past four days. This was to be a new start. A new year to kick the coming days in their teeth. What is 40 to be if the days before are as pathetic as the last ten years. Or twenty. I do no care about age. I care about all that is left undone. What have I waited for. How long have I been ready. Am I. What use am I to this world more than a monkey.
You and I are no longer strangers to this land in fact we know it so well we have abandoned it to not lay waste to its natural beauty. I have returned recently and my heart races. I hope not of fear but of desire. But oh how it races. I know not if my heart can take the pressure.
If I told you I cry most days when I think of you. Not because I miss you, which I do, but because you are the only person who can see write through me and that is not easy. I am dense. I know it is of little consolation, but the mere fact I am here, I hope you are not too far behind, is of the right direction. I am drowning. Under water and swallowing at ever gasp for air. I can not tread much longer. I need something to hold onto. I look to the passing of time as just another moment in the day. 20 years have gone by and nothing has changed, yet all is unfamiliar. Have I told you that I want to cry. Not tears of pain, or sorrow, just tears. Overcome tears. But I don’t I refuse to let it out. I must focus it and funnel my rage, my madness, my sadness. I do not know who I am most days and I hate myself for trying to figure it out. If I just leave well enough along I will be fine tomorrow. Won’t I. I saw my first post a few minutes ago. The truth is the rules kind of freaked me out too. I see why you hesitated from accepting them. They were much too restrictive. I thought they were fun at the time. I hate rules. But it is funny, the more i read you, the more i sound like you. The more I read me, the more you sound like me. What became of us. Is the next turn the right turn or the wrong turn.
I lost my key long ago. The words escape my, I can not pass without them and yet I wandered hoping that I would find my way again. I have been wandering. For some time. It is late and I do not have the depths to pull from and the morning draws near as I write. The countdown is about to begin and I am not sure where the timer is. I am not sure where anything is. Time is passing me by, I never quite knew what that phrase meant. I am paralyzed standing here trying to figure it out. I wonder, is this what  nervous breakdown is. Is it the resetting of time, the newness of life at the brink of extinction. Will I wallow in some misguided ditch that I threw myself into. The words are not coming out as dark and forboding as the last few months have felt. I wish I could say more but I just found my keys. I am taking a moment to breathe and hoping this all is just a dream.
The four river flow through me, the blood gushes from every poor. I stare at time and she stares back laughing. The clock stops for a moment and lets me enter. My feet dragging along the ground as I do my best to pull my gaining body up. Tomorrow, it is always tomorrow that time will stop for me, and yet never today. I must turn around and forget what has come before. The past is just that. passed.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
I’ve been on the ride so long I have memorized every curve, every bump, every turn in the tracks, and yet I do not see that I am simply going around in circles over and over again. NOt sure if I can still bleed, I pinch myself now and then when the turn feels a little sharper than the last time. I wonder what it feels like if the whole thing came crashing down on me. And then I remember I am still on the ride and have no idea if anyone is at the controls. I stare off into the horizon and wait for the day to change, and watch again as the day passes one more time, then I sit and stare off into the horizon waiting for the day to change, and watch as the the passes one more time, and then…
I do believe that I have convinced myself that I am doing anything but hiding. in this cave, a few inches shy of being six feet under, I quietly tall myself that it is all at my fingertips, ready to be had. Wasted time, denied moments, if I only finish this one last thing all will be right, right after I finish this one last task that keeps me from the next task at hand. The circle grow bigger and I look to my feet to see the bugs buried six feet down, waiting for my arrival.
The fifth day and all is not well. Months have passed and much has been lost. Time can not be regained, never could. I knew that going in. I ended on the worst note. To know I still can is of little comfort, to have done it for what I did is soul crushing. My body aches and my mind is empty. No solace, no thoughts, just pain that echoes enlessly. The time to put intentions to rest are here, and I have none. I passed on a day that I know I will regret. Old vices creep in, but even those bore me and I do not bore easily. Where have I been? What rings have amounted in my absence? Do they mean anything? I am me again, but not quite. I have yet to see what has changed, but nothing is as it was. Where do I pick up again?
I am beginning to realize that my losing my mind is not the worst thing in the universe. It may in fact be the saving grace for my life. I just wish I could let go and stop. Why do I follow something that has questioned everything I exist for? Why do they both exist inside of me? One understands greatness, one is will to be great? I am tired of knowing.
Friday, February 24, 2012
The shore is no longer in sight, has not been for some time. I keep wondering what happens now if I stop kicking. It is late, this is short. I am hungry, I am tired. How many days can I wake up to the same thought and rest my head to the same day?