I find myself standing in a pool of my own making. The revelation is that all of my best relationships in life have been based on a fight. There are few, if any, I would burn in hell for that I haven’t dragged through the torment that is my mind, and vice versa. I stare to my left and I miss the one person who hit me harder than anyone ever will. He made me open Pandora’s box and I wouldn’t give it back for all the contentment in the world, but now I stand here with a suit and no knowledge how to use it. If I could only keep the course to fall on my face. Someone is bound to walk in and fuck it all up and I’ll want to hit them harder than I have ever wanted to hit anyone. But I won’t. I will do what I must, waiting for what I need.
The mistake is often made to think a tear a sign of weakness. Believe me, no one wants to see me cry. I worry the anger is so deep I fear myself most days. I know what comes next, I just question if I have to go through all the monumental failures repeated by so many before me. I want new failure. I don’t care about loss and disgrace, save for two faces I must stare at when it is all over, I simply walk with this weight in my head that holds me from taking the flying leap I need to. It has all been written before, am I just playing out a role that has nothing of my own hand in its making. Or is there somewhere a blank page to write it all down on once I have put everything aside and put all that I built to the test.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Sad. Well, maybe sad is not the word. Lost? yes. I wish I could go home. I wish I had a home to go to. I will get there and I will feel the same way as I do now. I can’t escape it, I know. Why? There’s no place to go. I think I am the one I am running from. Who am I? I have this journey of discovery that I want to take… my life that I want to take stock of, and I can’t seem to. Why? It’s me, yes. Sad, lonely, afraid, me. Lost. Lost. Lost. Was I always like this? I think so. But it bothers me so much more now. Maybe because I had time then. Lots of time. I don’t have that time now. Or do I, and it just seems like I don’t?
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
By: me
I’m lost. Sad. Do I suffer from depression or am I just sad. It’s funny, I really do wish I was more liked. I’m not sure why. Probably because I don’t really like myself too much. That’s an issue.
I’m tired.
And I am not quite sure if I want to look up and find that the house is on fire or that my mind is telling me that my days are numbered. I worry easily that I will end before the story does. And yet I sit here and do nothing to put the finishing touches on the tale I have just barely begun. Does it really matter what of these fabricated categories i place this in, the meaning will be the same. At least today it will.
I look for so many reasons to start and only at the last moment of every day do I find that I already had and simply got lost in the scraps of what I was doing. So I close up shop for the day and think to myself that I will pick up right from where I left off, the very thought that revealed to me that I had hope in what comes next and I had some hand in creating my future. Yet I wake, time and again, with no memory of that thought and I start the struggle all over again.
Though I barely broke the rule the other day, it was the first time we were in the same location when the rule was broken. And the first time the name was said. I will not do it again. I regretted it the second I saw the look on your face. We only have so many days together, this is not for our friendship, this is for our sanity. I wonder if you will bring up what we had promised not to.
Monday, November 28, 2011
How is it possible to have all but one of every bit of the things that you ever dreamed of or thought you should dream of and still feel such hatred for the part of your life that drags you deeper and deeper until you drown in the middle of a sea of nothingness that you do not remember jumping into, swimming from shore, and finally giving up while floating by.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
So much travels through my small mind these days, lagged by turkey and tripmetopain, but I have no time to do anything but work someone else’s wishes and stumble upon the couch as the evening wears down and the night begins. In due accordance with having no time left but to finish other kings works, I crawl into my cave and begin to function as a normal monkey. When the spots become too much I clean the screen. Some are there, some are inside. I move the cloth across the screen and as all good dust attempts, a new spot appears. I wipe until the screens screams and the scars take longer to disappear. Yet the spot, that was not there until I wiped it into existence, will not fade. I take mouse in hand and half-heartedly click to erase damn spot.GONE! Could I have wiped it into the virtual white page. We will never know. But my mind, which was in tact ten minutes ago has now lost a few legs.
Monday, November 21, 2011
I wonder how long it will be before you return. There are no signs of your presence but that does not mean you were not careful to leave  any traces unknown. So I write, and maybe it will be read. Or I write in and in a years time neither of us will know who punched the words. I have come to understand your actions in the recent months, on my quest for knowing why I have stopped and fail to start back up again. While the carnal knowledge is understood, do not think it has been repeated, not even close, the understanding of why has been going through my head, actually quite by accident. The large cranium that keeps my body from feeling inadequate has been left to its own devices and wandered to lands unknown to all. It found something that may or may not be of any consequence. It is just past three years now and I realized that I have all that I ever wanted, save one thing. This entity has bewildered me for over a decade and I have struggled with its forces for many years. For some time it was simply my meditation, but no more. I would have to practice in order for it to be my meditation. It has transformed into something else. A me that is unable to be. THe me that is longing. The me that is wanting. This is where I found the understanding. Maybe it is not what brought you to certain actions, but it made me realize just what it is that is missing from my existence.Love. I questioned this for some time and was feeling rather arrogant for even saying the words to myself, yet I did and I wasn’t sure why. I am full of love and love leads my everyday and every action. I know unconditional love. I know deep love. I know eternal love. I know love that has no bounds. But the one thing I no longer am victim of is, falling in love.  I have not fallen in quite some time. I have not felt the pain of not knowing or the pangs of unknowing longing. I know love, yet I want to unknow it.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
I turned around the other day and realized that the one who looked so unfamiliar was me. There is so little left of who I am that I fear I wouldn’t know me if I ran into myself on some forgotten path lined with the life I betrayed to become the nothing that I am. The truth is, at least from where I lie right now, that I am more scared than god or I ever knew. Not the fears fabricated to push away those that pick at the walls I built to have some distraction as I played out the game of losing my mind while everyone watched me build a life less walked. If I would speak honestly my heart might stop. Tonight no one gets in. Tomorrow more of the same. I fight off anyone who tries, including myself. Bruised and beaten I pick myself up and wait for the next round.
I am stuck. And I need help. I need the divine hand to pull me out. Or to comfort me. To hold me. I lost my touch. I wish I lost my fight. But there is a heart beat in there that keeps me going. Why won’t it let me slip away?