Calling me, it whispers in my ear and asks me the questions I refuse to ask myself. Where are the hours spent and what will the day end in if I do not grab a hold and take it for what it is worth. I must start. It is better to fall then to not have tried at all. It floats away and leaves me hollow. Waiting for the gust to fill me up, but alas, it will not come again. For I must move in order to cause it to stir. I must chase the wind.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I find myself not traveling in either world, just passing the time, looking over each shoulder trying to decide who is calling me more, hearing nothing in either ear, walking lost a little further. I wait for a call.
Friday, September 4, 2009
It has been okay but the anxiety level has risen only moments ago. The old man is as cut off as I. What does that mean? I know these days are gonna grow. Into the double digits I’m sure.
I wish I could will myself to let go.
I have gotten lost in the world outside. An unexpected fork in the road that looked promising but has led me to lands unknown and haunting. Is time different here. How have I let years go by outside that mean nothing. Tonight I find a cave and curl up. I will not look to return home. I am not sure I have one right now. I am not sure I have one at all. But here, I can lie on the ground anywhere and know that I am welcome and my sleep will be filled with life.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
They help you see in the dark. They start things on fire. The make you warm when you are cold. I sing you a happy happy day around our fire. Hope it is a good one my friend. I wish we were both here and not where we are.
There are a hundred reasons that I do not try to find the time for what I have on my list of most important things to me to do next. I know, I just know, that I will get interrupted momentarily. A most pathetic reason for apathy.
I don’t know why I would think I had not been affected, that my shell would remain in tact through all of this, but I realized, even with much work to do, that saying the words came a bit too late. I thought I was free of it, I thought I protected myself. But I have realized the past few days that I am more fragile than I believed and the damage has already been done. For all I know it may have been done a long, long time ago. Maybe I would never have seen it accept for revealing all that I have to lose by it. I too look for peace. I think maybe that should be our first name here. Maybe a park, or a forest. A place of peace.
Then 138 minutes of peace. I wish that peace would last. Now, today, I am okay… though a little anxious.Â
Getting anxious.Â
I really hate being caged. Trapped. Answerable to someone. And here I am answerable to lots of people.
This is very hard. This is actually eating me up inside. I can’t stand it. Day 5. Day 5 is killing me.
I want to break a self imposed rule here and talk to you about this.
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Damn.Â
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It’s day 5 for me. Day 5.