I may have made someone cry. I had to do it though. I told someone something today that I have needed to say for a very long time. It made the clouds here part. I feel as thought tha blank canvas is not so bad after all. I get to fill it. It is my turn after all. Ours really. You have been waiting too long as well. Somehow, by saying what I didn’t want to ever have to say, the air here became lighter. Oout there became further away and I don’t feel so pressured.
At the moment I don’t care. About day 4 that is. Thank God for that. But I am furious at the outside world. Disappointed and rejected. I work with a rat. Damn. I suppose it was only matter of time before the outside world crept in here. Truly crept in.Â
There is only one who reaches out to me. Only one who is there to take the splinter out of my paw day after day after day. And I do to her what the world does to me. What is wrong with me?
Â
How many days will it go? Am I back on that? yes. (It’s been four. It feels like weeks). I guess I’m back on that because it’s my fall back now. It’s my normal state of being. I don’t know what else to dwell on. I am used to dwelling. Im too tired to care right now. Too abused.
I miss the solitude. It was the one thing I could get before I ended up where I am. You would think where I am would be more the place for solitude than where I was, but the truth is I was more alone in the crowd. I am less alone even though I feel lonely. I would prefer to be alone with others than to be lonely by myself. Yes, this too has become a confessional for me as well. I don’t write anymore. I can’t find the words. I type. I type less than I want. But I type. I have everything and yet I have no urge to do a thing. I hear you, even though I am not there to listen. I would be no good this week. I don’t even know who I am right now. I do not recognize the face and certainly not the actions. Why is it that everyone is waiting to be heard? Do they have anything to say? Am I arrogant to say they don’t yet believe I do? Yet I would rather sit aside patiently waiting for someone to notice the silence and realize it was me. Tis better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool, than to open it and prove it. Chatter chatter chatter chatter.
Here we go again. But this is a different day. I think I figured out last night the enemy is not who I thought it was. In fact it’s not a who at all. But I have to keep that a secret right now. Ahh.. fuck it. It’s the act. It’s what I am doing. Although, there is a lure there too. I get no help. But have lately. These three days anyway. I bet it lasts a while this time. Of course it will. Last night is proof of that. I went for the usual walks but something was different this time. There was… nothing. I could’ve regrouped but i chose not to. Maybe next. (Boy I hope not)
This place was once a sanctuary. Now it’s more like a confessional. I don’t even talk to you anymore. I just leave my thoughts and chronicle my… obsessions and pains. That’s okay. When I want I response, I will ask for it. For the first time in a long time, I like the solitude.
I won that last battle. And now I am in the thick of the new one. Day 2. An enemy message from the old man in the secret place. Near the signs. I stayed away. I dreamed though. damn did I dream. I don’t remember the answer. Only the question. What happens when the enemy approaches? Do I give in so easily? Day 2! Damn. It feels like months. How does that happen with time?
So many enemies around. So much pressure form this place I escape from every day. How come I can’t live here in this world. It is quiet and peaceful. Strange, but peaceful.Â
I need to keep my mind from wondering. I need to occupy myself. I fidget. i search. I question. i get nothing done. I hate the world around me. I despise it.
Day 2. Shit! Only day 2.
I am struggling. There is a pit in my stomach. A test of wills. I think i will win. This battle. I will lose in the end. I already have.
Will it be a complete day? What happened to me last night. My body rejected everything I had eaten. It seems like a dream. Or like I was drugged.
day four.
day four.
day four.
Shut out again. And this time it was dark. darker than normal. there was certainly something afoot.
I need rest. I have let myself get too tired, too hungry, too sad. Can I get through an entire day?
Damn it. I hate this… game? No, it’s not a game. But it’s something. And I hate it. I always lose. How long will it go? You’ve GOT to be kidding me… hold on. It’s happening NOW. Can you effin believe it????!!! 11:51 am. Wow. Are there holes tearing in the walls of this place? Are they fabric walls? Walls disguised as the world?
If I think about him less, does it mean he never existed? Am I that naive to think that no one heard the tree? No one? Really? Not one single living creature? Are we that big headed to think the question is even valid? Existential bullshit is what that is. Really, no one? I hear the voices in my head right now and no one is fucking talking, am I here?